Castro Fried Chicken®
הלשכה המרכזית לסטטיסטיקה – עונש לא-חוקי ברשות החוק
ואם אתה לא מרוצה מכך שהשלטון מעוניין להטיל עליך עונש, ולכפות עליך לבצע משימה שאינך מעוניין בה, הוא מאיים עליך עם ‘החוק’.
כלומר, יש חוק בישראל, דבילי ככל שהדבר ישמע, שמטיל על אזרחים שלא פשעו בדבר, לבזבז שעוד יקרות בתיעוד הוצאותיהם, עבור צרכיו של השלטון, מבלי שיש להם מילה בדבר.
חוק בלתי-חוקי בעליל, לכל מי שמבין חצי דבר במושג ‘חופש’.
אני אחזור על זה בצורה יותר ברורה: גוף שמתקיים מהמיסים שאני ואתם משלמים, מתייחס אלינו כאריסים שחייבים לעשות כדבריו.
וזה עובר לסדר היום, כי ישראלים התרגלו שדופקים אותם.
זה, ועוד מליון פשעים ועבירות אחרות שמבצעת ממשלת ישראל, לדורותיה, כנגד אזרחי ישראל, מכיוון שזאת מדינה חצי-סוציאליסטית מושחתת. מדינה דמוקרטית היא מדינה שבה השלטון קיים כדי לשרת את צורכי העם. בדיקטטורות השלטון מתייחס לעם כרכוש, ושודד אותו לבקרים.
כל אזרח ישראלי משלם מיסים נשדד על-ידי ממשלות וארגונים שכל מטרתם קיומם היא למצוא דרכים חדשות לשדוד אותו.
וזה עוד מבלי להזכיר את אלו שגורשו מביתם כדי להקים מדינת טרור שמשגרת טילים על הדרום.
Enough with the double standards, you racist bastards.
To say israel is the result of imperialism is ridiculous.
Would anyone say that Armenians who wish to live in Armenia are imperialists? (never mind the Turks who brutally murder them whenever that question arises) Would the assyrian people in Iraq be dubbed as extreme nationalists because they want to live peacefully as one tribe?
Israel is a tiny parcel of land, but due to the ongoing hate towards Jews, and the fact that the Muslims, who already have an immense empire, are also rich and more powerful (not to mention terribly bad neighbors), the pseudo-moralist cowards of the world continuously strive to deny the Jewish people of a state of their own, just like they happen to have.
The treatment of Jews is nothing short than a sin on humanity’s soul.
No Thought Zone calls drivers to stop thinking while driving
Washington, D.C (ESN): the new driving safety campaign, sponsored by celebrity goddess, and empress of plain, generic women all over the world, Oprah Winfrey, aims to reduce the amount of traffic accidents caused by anyone using their brain while in a car.
“I personally know of many who have lost loved ones due to people who were too busy formulating a complex idea, or trying to better understand an abstract notion, instead of keeping their eyes on the road”, says Oprah, “It is time we put a stop to that criminal activity once and for all, and ‘No Thought Zone’ is the only reasonable way to do it – because I say so.”
Women rights advocate, Sheryl Whatsuitsmebest, agrees:
“Everybody knows thinking is not good for the forehead skin, and that excessive use of the brain can cause a woman to stop doing normal, healthy things, such as buying twelve pairs of shoes, or read every issue of Cosmopolitan.”
Looking down on the magazine on her desk, she continues “hey, would you look at that? there’s a woman here who likes giving BJs inside cupboards – what a slut! hmm… perhaps I should try that?”
The campaign calls for using whatever means necessary to impose Oprah’s idea, from embarrassing famous people to sign denigrating pledges, to burning down anyone with a semblance of an active mind inside their home as a safety precaution. So far, it seems to be a resounding success, with drivers making sure they are seen gawking stupidly at whatever is directly in front of their eyes, so as not to be suspected of pondering.
But other, more conservative (tam-tam-tam) voices have expressed their dislike of the new program, like Dr. Howard Secrethandwriting, who says Oprah’s gross simplifications are dumbing down the nation:
“Every patient of mine who is a rabid Oprah viewer tends to have very little capacity for independant thought. When I ask them to describe their symptoms, for example, they want me to do it for them.
Not every moment spent on the road is a life-or-death situation. There is nothing wrong with letting one’s mind wander when driving reasonably fast on a freeway, or writing a text message while waiting for a red light to change. Back in the day we called it ‘common sense’, or ‘using your brain’ – exactly what this campaign is standing against.”
Oprah has already vowed to take Dr. Howard to court over his different views, and make sure he is found guilty by running a demonizing campaign about him on her show.
Since she is also sort of like Oprah, we looked for Michelle Obama to comment on the issue, and got a quick response: “If I even suspect my sixty-foot-long limo’s driver of having a private thought, you can be sure he’ll immediately get a text message from my golden iPhone, telling him to stop.”
The Future of Social Networks
Silicone Valley, CA (ESN): Propagation of the hottest new online trend, BloodSplat™, has now reached Facebookian proportions.
according to Alexis, the international web traffic monitoring company, the amount of unique visits to bloodsplat.com has multiplied in volume at least fifty times these past two weeks, transforming it from yet another peculiar college student project, to a worldwide phenomena that has more regular users than some religions – even Obamislam!
But what exactly is BloodSplat™? Our in-house internet specialist, Ron Singlebraincell, describes it as the next evolutionary step in social networking; the Facebook killing holy grail that everyone from Toronto to Timbuktu has been desperately searching for (except, of course, in actual Timbuktu, which was enveloped by the Sahara desert due to the neglect of its own inhabitants). In his own words, “Whereas other social networks provided people with the option to watch the benign, mundane chatter of acquaintances via short, telegraph style messages, or status text updates, or browse their generic, repetitive pictures, like ‘dude #2542382 shouts at camera while holding plastic cup with beer’, or ‘blonde girl #7231251 exposes rows of shiny teeth, while dancing in a club along with her equally cleavage-baring friends’, what these sites really needed was a cohesive activity around which to rope around their ridiculously gargantuan user-base.”
That missing activity, apparently, was BloodSplat’s patented skullcracking competition.
BloodSplat™ CEO and originator, Steve Cashinmypocketsnow, explains the idea behind the concept:
“Not only did we give people a good excuse to slam their heads against hard surfaces, up to the point of gushing blood, and cracking their skulls – now they can finally share pictures of the hideous resulting injuries with a bunch of superficial friends, while competing for top positions based on city, state, and country.”
But Steve says there’s more to bloodsplat.com than just an unstoppable gimmick with monstrous popularity.
“Everybody knows Facebook has a confusing, unintuitive, almost impenetrable user interface, so we took that already proven idea to the next level with RandomUI™. Every time you load a BloodSplat™ page the essential navigation buttons will appear in different positions – sometimes entirely off the screen, and their labels will use obscure Jazz songs lyrics, so you can never know whether ‘logout’ is now ‘The darkest night of November’, or ‘Poppa’s golden knickers gone broke’.”
When asked about plans for the future, Steve had the following to say:
“We’re always looking for options to expand upon the functionality of BloodSplat™, which is why we’re now working hard on Blood-ons – our so-called ‘app equivalents’. User reaction to the ‘Fortune Bleeder’ Blood-on, which predicts your future based on the shapes in your blood-splatter pictures, and ‘Celebriblood look-alike’, in which a scanned 3-D picture of your deformed skull is compared to that of famous celebrities, has been overwhelmingly positive so far.”
But don’t take just his word on it. Here are some of the responses we got from random people on the street:
“Ohmygod, everybody in school is doing B-S, so, like, you know, why not. I want to have friends, and stuff.”
“Office work is so boring that I’ve spent most of my time banging my head against stuff anyways. At least now I get some recognition for it.”
“My mom says it’s the best fun she had in her whole life, even if she’s just a level 23 noob.”
“Ever since my girlfriend got Angelina Jolie as a result in Celebriblood, she won’t shut up about it. Fortunately, I’m too busy using BloodSplat™ to pay any attention to her.”
“Durr, this is way better than da playing station.”
But the opposition isn’t simply taking all this lying down. Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg referred to the new challenger as a ‘juvenile, privacy invading, total waste of time’.
“I don’t see how anyone can compare banging your head against hard surfaces to the intellectual delights of Farmville, and ‘July is now friends with 758 random guys who liked her new push-up bra’.”
While Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo sent us the following message:
“#BloodSplat™ – an insult to #social_networking, won’t ever catch me using it.”
Despite their vivid protests, it doesn’t seem like this train is going to stop anytime soon, and judging by our children’s obsession with it, it may very well be the bloody, bruised-covered face of the new generation.
(Join the ESN group on bloodsplat.com, to discuss how much you love it with total strangers, vote ‘bloody like’ on this article, and share it with all those loose connections you added as friends! don’t forget to upload a video or a picture of yourself smashing your head against the wall – the goriest submission may win a free trip to the local hospital)
Episode 18 Done
But after a month and a half, it’s finished, and polished up to a reasonable level.
462 pages written. Two episodes left (hopefully I won’t have to add yet another, as this is already taking way too long).
I’d be more thrilled, if not for the news about my mother this morning. Bah.
