Home > ESN, Satire > Next presidential debate to be held in a steel cage

Next presidential debate to be held in a steel cage

cage match

An Illustration of the upcoming debate.

October 20th, 2012, ESN

Due to the great success of the Town-Hall style presidential debate, the next debate will be done in a truly democratic, intellectual, issue-centric steel cage match.

Barack Obama and Governor Romney will be lowered into the unsafe, Chinese-made construct through cranes, and proceed to slug it out for 90 minutes, until one of them will be declared a victor, in a fair, unbiased fight.

All questions will all be written for by a bunch of illiterate, entitlement-fed people, and will include such brain stimulating, policy related riddles as, “my cute puppy is sick, how’z are you gonna fix dat?”, and “I don’t feel that you like me, but the other guy obviously does. Why do you hate me?!”
Responses will have to follow Oprah Format, which means points shall be awarded based on how many people in the crowd are caught on camera shedding a private tear, on national television.

To make sure the rules are respected, a non-partisan person, who worked as a Democrat paid community organizer for the past 4 years, and declared she wants nothing more in life than to, “strangle those racist white Republican pigs”, will be given a cattle prod to use on Governor Romney whomever she may choose.

Moderating the debate is Facebook’s very own Modbot 2.0, which is known for its equal treatment of reports on the famous social site: ignoring those that warn about islamic supremacists, and banning those who stand up to them.

The future president magnificent eye-candy super-golfer empty chair defending champion, Barack Obama, expressed his content with this arrangement, and said he is quite sure he could, “whoop Romney’s ass”, without even resorting to the spiked mace Joe “Malarkey” Biden will sneak him at 57:43, while the moderators look the other way, and pretend to be focusing at Ann Romney, as she tries to attract their attention to the deeds of the eloquent Vice President.

Ultra-awesome, maverick  past moderator, Lardny Crowhat, said she is confident that following this equal-opportunity match, the idiot unwashed masses, that need to be taught by their pseudo-journalistic superiors, will finally understand the meaning of free elections, and vote for the same guy she does.

Categories: ESN, Satire
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