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Next presidential debate to be held in a steel cage

cage match

An Illustration of the upcoming debate.

October 20th, 2012, ESN

Due to the great success of the Town-Hall style presidential debate, the next debate will be done in a truly democratic, intellectual, issue-centric steel cage match.

Barack Obama and Governor Romney will be lowered into the unsafe, Chinese-made construct through cranes, and proceed to slug it out for 90 minutes, until one of them will be declared a victor, in a fair, unbiased fight.

All questions will all be written for by a bunch of illiterate, entitlement-fed people, and will include such brain stimulating, policy related riddles as, “my cute puppy is sick, how’z are you gonna fix dat?”, and “I don’t feel that you like me, but the other guy obviously does. Why do you hate me?!”
Responses will have to follow Oprah Format, which means points shall be awarded based on how many people in the crowd are caught on camera shedding a private tear, on national television.

To make sure the rules are respected, a non-partisan person, who worked as a Democrat paid community organizer for the past 4 years, and declared she wants nothing more in life than to, “strangle those racist white Republican pigs”, will be given a cattle prod to use on Governor Romney whomever she may choose.

Moderating the debate is Facebook’s very own Modbot 2.0, which is known for its equal treatment of reports on the famous social site: ignoring those that warn about islamic supremacists, and banning those who stand up to them.

The future president magnificent eye-candy super-golfer empty chair defending champion, Barack Obama, expressed his content with this arrangement, and said he is quite sure he could, “whoop Romney’s ass”, without even resorting to the spiked mace Joe “Malarkey” Biden will sneak him at 57:43, while the moderators look the other way, and pretend to be focusing at Ann Romney, as she tries to attract their attention to the deeds of the eloquent Vice President.

Ultra-awesome, maverick  past moderator, Lardny Crowhat, said she is confident that following this equal-opportunity match, the idiot unwashed masses, that need to be taught by their pseudo-journalistic superiors, will finally understand the meaning of free elections, and vote for the same guy she does.

Categories: ESN, Satire

Image of dead bearded frog causes global islamic outrage

28/09/2012 1 comment
The horrible evil frog image

This is the image of the bearded frog that started the peaceful protests, which have caused over 1,500 deaths.

September 28, 2012. ESN.

Earlier today, a mob of peaceful protesters, numbering 100,000 bearded Asians of unknown origin, has descended upon the American embassy in London, and proceeded to peacefully destroy the place, burn it to the ground, and murder all staff members inside, shouting anti-globalist slogans like “Allahu Ackbar”, supposedly in protest of American involvement in suppressing legitimate national aspirations, such as the illegal conquest of Spain from the ancestors of the above Asian youths, of unknown origin, who have no affiliation with any religion whatsoever – particularly not with the religion of peace, which cannot be named.

The protesters, who reportedly have brought heavy machine guns, rocket launchers, and several light tanks to their peaceful gathering, have debated the American staff members to a bloody pulp, and then paraded their remains in the street, taking pictures on western made iPhones, while chanting calls of no particular political affiliation, such as “Obama Obama, we are all Osama.”

The reason for this recreational activity is without a doubt an image posted to a discussion board called “NoBdy Reedz Dis”, which shows a poorly edited body of a dead frog, with a beard on it. The frog, according to a religious cleric that doesn’t belong to any specific religion (and even less to the religion of peace, that we are not allowed to name), is an insulting mockery of his prophet, _____________, and as such it is the most horrible crime against humanity that was ever committed. The discussion board, which at this time has 3 members – including one house cat – is hosted by a Bulgarian company, which obviously makes it a cover for Zionist American conspiracy against the good, non-violent, unknown people that this secular religious cleric represents.

The European-American House responded with a firm, decisive press release, saying that president Obama – the single, most awesomest person on the planet, who has invented, among other things, the light-bulb, and aqueducts – appreciates the enthusiasm displayed by such fine young men, which unfortunately cannot vote for him yet, because they haven’t immigrated to the US illegally.

The state department has issued four apologies, and translated them to eighteen languages, asking forgiveness for the audacity of the imperialistic, evil Americans to allow the posting of a silly image in an unknown website, hosted by a company from another country. The apologies, which included an image of a blond, white man, being cut to shreds by two scimitars, were met with a resounding success, causing more than forty additional peaceful protests in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of Asia, and over fifteen hundred deaths.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, said she is most pleased with America’s foreign policy, and declared it will now invest 4$ million in ads that beg for mercy from the nice, friendly followers of the one true religion, which we are too scared to even think of. In the name of coexistence, thirty American soldiers will also be executed daily, until the US would have nothing to rely on for defense, except the goodwill of its enemies, and one magical unicorn, which she promised president Obama is summoning this very moment through a dimensional gate.

As for the offensive, immoral, evil website, its servers were nuked, along with the rest of Bulgaria; and the two kids who created it will be castrated, before being sent to a reeducation happy center in Alaska. To send a message to all hate-speech spouting right-wing fascists, their cat will be crucified, burnt at the stake, and its remains shot to the sun.

The editors of all the newspapers that really count have agreed that this is a great victory for Democracy, human rights, free speech, and all those other great ideals, which they do absolutely nothing to defend in the face of tyranny.

Categories: ESN, Satire

No Thought Zone calls drivers to stop thinking while driving

No Thought Zone LogoWashington, D.C (ESN): the new driving safety campaign, sponsored by celebrity goddess, and empress of plain, generic women all over the world, Oprah Winfrey, aims to reduce the amount of traffic accidents caused by anyone using their brain while in a car.

“I personally know of many who have lost loved ones due to people who were too busy formulating a complex idea, or trying to better understand an abstract notion, instead of keeping their eyes on the road”, says Oprah, “It is time we put a stop to that criminal activity once and for all, and ‘No Thought Zone’ is the only reasonable way to do it – because I say so.”

Women rights advocate, Sheryl Whatsuitsmebest, agrees:
“Everybody knows thinking is not good for the forehead skin, and that excessive use of the brain can cause a woman to stop doing normal, healthy things, such as buying twelve pairs of shoes, or read every issue of Cosmopolitan.”
Looking down on the magazine on her desk, she continues “hey, would you look at that? there’s a woman here who likes giving BJs inside cupboards – what a slut! hmm… perhaps I should try that?”

The campaign calls for using whatever means necessary to impose Oprah’s idea, from embarrassing famous people to sign denigrating pledges, to burning down anyone with a semblance of an active mind inside their home as a safety precaution. So far, it seems to be a resounding success, with drivers making sure they are seen gawking stupidly at whatever is directly in front of their eyes, so as not to be suspected of pondering.

But other, more conservative (tam-tam-tam) voices have expressed their dislike of the new program, like Dr. Howard Secrethandwriting, who says Oprah’s gross simplifications are dumbing down the nation:
“Every patient of mine who is a rabid Oprah viewer tends to have very little capacity for independant thought. When I ask them to describe their symptoms, for example, they want me to do it for them.
Not every moment spent on the road is a life-or-death situation. There is nothing wrong with letting one’s mind wander when driving reasonably fast on a freeway, or writing a text message while waiting for a red light to change. Back in the day we called it ‘common sense’, or ‘using your brain’ – exactly what this campaign is standing against.”

Oprah has already vowed to take Dr. Howard to court over his different views, and make sure he is found guilty by running a demonizing campaign about him on her show.

Since she is also sort of like Oprah, we looked for Michelle Obama to comment on the issue, and got a quick response: “If I even suspect my sixty-foot-long limo’s driver of having a private thought, you can be sure he’ll immediately get a text message from my golden iPhone, telling him to stop.”

Categories: ESN, Satire

The Future of Social Networks

BloodSplat (TM) LogoSilicone Valley, CA (ESN): Propagation of the hottest new online trend, BloodSplat™, has now reached Facebookian proportions.

according to Alexis, the international web traffic monitoring company, the amount of unique visits to bloodsplat.com has multiplied in volume at least fifty times these past two weeks, transforming it from yet another peculiar college student project, to a worldwide phenomena that has more regular users than some religions – even Obamislam!

But what exactly is BloodSplat™? Our in-house internet specialist, Ron Singlebraincell, describes it as the next evolutionary step in social networking; the Facebook killing holy grail that everyone from Toronto to Timbuktu has been desperately searching for (except, of course, in actual Timbuktu, which was enveloped by the Sahara desert due to the neglect of its own inhabitants). In his own words, “Whereas other social networks provided people with the option to watch the benign, mundane chatter of acquaintances via short, telegraph style messages, or status text updates, or browse their generic, repetitive pictures, like ‘dude #2542382 shouts at camera while holding plastic cup with beer’, or ‘blonde girl #7231251 exposes rows of shiny teeth, while dancing in a club along with her equally cleavage-baring friends’, what these sites really needed was a cohesive activity around which to rope around their ridiculously gargantuan user-base.”

That missing activity, apparently, was BloodSplat’s patented skullcracking competition.

BloodSplat™ CEO and originator, Steve Cashinmypocketsnow, explains the idea behind the concept:
“Not only did we give people a good excuse to slam their heads against hard surfaces, up to the point of gushing blood, and cracking their skulls – now they can finally share pictures of the hideous resulting injuries with a bunch of superficial friends, while competing for top positions based on city, state, and country.”
But Steve says there’s more to bloodsplat.com than just an unstoppable gimmick with monstrous popularity.
“Everybody knows Facebook has a confusing, unintuitive, almost impenetrable user interface, so we took that already proven idea to the next level with RandomUI™. Every time you load a BloodSplat™ page the essential navigation buttons will appear in different positions – sometimes entirely off the screen, and their labels will use obscure Jazz songs lyrics, so you can never know whether ‘logout’ is now ‘The darkest night of November’, or ‘Poppa’s golden knickers gone broke’.”
When asked about plans for the future, Steve had the following to say:
“We’re always looking for options to expand upon the functionality of BloodSplat™, which is why we’re now working hard on Blood-ons – our so-called ‘app equivalents’. User reaction to the ‘Fortune Bleeder’ Blood-on, which predicts your future based on the shapes in your blood-splatter pictures, and ‘Celebriblood look-alike’, in which a scanned 3-D picture of your deformed skull is compared to that of famous celebrities, has been overwhelmingly positive so far.”

But don’t take just his word on it. Here are some of the responses we got from random people on the street:
“Ohmygod, everybody in school is doing B-S, so, like, you know, why not. I want to have friends, and stuff.”
“Office work is so boring that I’ve spent most of my time banging my head against stuff anyways. At least now I get some recognition for it.”
“My mom says it’s the best fun she had in her whole life, even if she’s just a level 23 noob.”
“Ever since my girlfriend got Angelina Jolie as a result in Celebriblood, she won’t shut up about it. Fortunately, I’m too busy using BloodSplat™ to pay any attention to her.”
“Durr, this is way better than da playing station.”

But the opposition isn’t simply taking all this lying down. Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg referred to the new challenger as a ‘juvenile, privacy invading, total waste of time’.
“I don’t see how anyone can compare banging your head against hard surfaces to the intellectual delights of Farmville, and ‘July is now friends with 758 random guys who liked her new push-up bra’.”
While Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo sent us the following message:
“#BloodSplat™ – an insult to #social_networking, won’t ever catch me using it.”

Despite their vivid protests, it doesn’t seem like this train is going to stop anytime soon, and judging by our children’s obsession with it, it may very well be the bloody, bruised-covered face of the new generation.

(Join the ESN group on bloodsplat.com, to discuss how much you love it with total strangers, vote ‘bloody like’ on this article, and share it with all those loose connections you added as friends! don’t forget to upload a video or a picture of yourself smashing your head against the wall – the goriest submission may win a free trip to the local hospital)

Categories: ESN, Satire

Peace loving Jew can’t get enough of licking Arab boots

Slave

Illustration: A Jewish peace activist doing what he does best

Yonatan Bar-Submission, an Israeli ‘Peace Now’ activist, just can’t seem to have enough of the taste of delicious boots worn by Muslim and Arab parties.

The eager peace lover was seen recently in a major protest against various Israeli activities (such as breathing air that Arabs say belong to them, or existing within fifty miles of a mosque), when he is kneeling all the way down to the floor, and ravenously licking the footwear of Islamic fundamentalists, begging to be forgiven for his terrible crimes, and also to be whipped for being a ‘naughty bad boy’.

“We just came here to kill Jews”, says Ahmed bin Mahmoud, an Arab peace activist, while throwing fist-sized rocks at nearby Israeli schoolkids, “and this worm just insists on kissing my sandals, or asking me to kick him in the stomach and call him a ‘worthless slave’. I don’t know about you, but such things make me feel very uneasy.”

Salam Salem Saleikum, a Hamas Imam and recreational suicide bomber, offered an educated explanation for the curious phenomena:
“Countless centuries of constant abuse have created a distorted, warped sort of Jew, who – much like a kidnap victim who identifies with his kidnappers – shows absolute loyalty to whatever party wants to kill his own people. In their case, the incessant, limitless groveling, with false pretenses of enlightenment, is nothing more than a survival tactic. Basically these shameless traitors are so certain of their own people’s defeat, that they immediately ally themselves with any sort of enemy – no matter who he is or what he stands for.”

When asked about the subject, Abu-Slaughter, head of the western implanted Arab government in the ancient Israeli homeland of Judea, had the following to say:
“Personally, I find them quite amusing. It will also be a lot of fun to torture and murder them after we’re done killing all the Israelis who are still willing to put up a fight.”

With Israeli-Arab peace talks going into their next phase in Washington, true, everlasting peace in the middle east has never seemed so close.

American government commemorates 9/11 with Statue of Opression

Statue of Opression

The new Statue of Opression, celebrating the inevitable defeat of dhimmi Americans.

NYC, NY, September 11th, 2010 (ESN): Thousands of people, including Mayor Bloomberg, and other prominent members of city hall, were present at the unveiling ceremony of the new Statue of Liberty, which was built to better represent the cultural diversity of America, following the demands of moderate Islamic clergy members, such as Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the Iron Sheik, and Osama Bin-Laden.

The face of the revised statue is covered with a 30-foot long burqa, its torch of freedom was replaced with an AK-47, and the tablet in its other hand was replaced with a Quran.

But despite a heart-felt speech by Mayor Bloomberg, who repeatedly said that “America is at war with terror, not Islam”, Imam Rauf insisted that the statue will not deter the Ummah from demanding more equality from narrow-minded American bigots.

“Some racists keep saying that we follow the concept of Taqiyya, which allows Muslims to deceive the Kuffar in order to achieve some sort of ‘evil’ goal, but that is entirely untrue – Islam is peace, the burqa is female liberation, and slavery is freedom.”

When asked about the next goals of the ‘obliteration of all infidels initiative’, the Imam smiled a coy, gentle smile, before sharing his thoughts with us:
“We are a simple people. All we want is to change ‘Independance day’ to ‘Public stoning day’, replace the American national anthem with ‘Mohammed my one true love’ – which can only be sung by six-year-old girls, and erect a giant black tower of understanding in the middle of Manhattan, to block out the sun, and bring a thousand years of darkness upon the kuffars.”

Mayor Bloomberg has already pledged to promote the aforementioned initiative, codenamed “project overlord”, and pay for it from his own tax-payer money.

Categories: ESN, Satire

Gangstas receive an award for multicultural understanding, after shooting white couple

gangstas

A group of cultural sensitive community activists.

Disclaimer: What follows is Satire, and should not be given any other meaning.
LA, CA: The Association for the Promotion of Racism against Whites (APRW) has granted a group of culturally sensitive young Afro-Americans from Compton, California the Enlightened Understanding award, for practicing tolerance on a middle-aged couple from the Midwest, who took the wrong turn into their town.

“Them mothaf***ing crackers been riding into our turf like dey own da place”, one young lad explained eloquently, while waving his arms in the air like he just don’t care.
“I mean, how’s an honest brother is supposed to be making out a living for himself selling smack when da man is poking around, asking for directions like a narc? So we popped a cap in hizass, and two in his ho, for all the screams she den put up. My granny is sick, coz I been borrowing all ‘er medicine, so all yous inconsiderate whitebreads better keep ya mouth closed, and let her rest.”

The peaceful locals tolerated the lost couple with over 100 bullets of friendship; then sold the remains of their car to a local community entrepreneur: an auto-parts shop called the Cracker Cracker, which carried a lighthearted graffiti of a white man cut in half by a giant nutcracker to convey its message of cultural diversity.

President Obama has already issued a statement, calling the incident “the finest display of multicultural understanding, from the best of our nation’s youth”, and invited four prominent tolerance practitioners: Coke Dawg, Cherry Popper, Bust-a-nut, and G-Dope, for a formal visit in the European-American House.

“We’s all are very excited about this invite,” says Cherry Popper, while wiping white flour from his nose, “I heard the persident has a lot of rich-ass shizzle in that big ‘o house of his.”

Unfortunately, at this point in time, the well-meaning young lads are yet to be able to locate Washington DC on a map.

Categories: ESN, Satire