September 28, 2012. ESN.
Earlier today, a mob of peaceful protesters, numbering 100,000 bearded Asians of unknown origin, has descended upon the American embassy in London, and proceeded to peacefully destroy the place, burn it to the ground, and murder all staff members inside, shouting anti-globalist slogans like “Allahu Ackbar”, supposedly in protest of American involvement in suppressing legitimate national aspirations, such as the illegal conquest of Spain from the ancestors of the above Asian youths, of unknown origin, who have no affiliation with any religion whatsoever – particularly not with the religion of peace, which cannot be named.
The protesters, who reportedly have brought heavy machine guns, rocket launchers, and several light tanks to their peaceful gathering, have debated the American staff members to a bloody pulp, and then paraded their remains in the street, taking pictures on western made iPhones, while chanting calls of no particular political affiliation, such as “Obama Obama, we are all Osama.”
The reason for this recreational activity is without a doubt an image posted to a discussion board called “NoBdy Reedz Dis”, which shows a poorly edited body of a dead frog, with a beard on it. The frog, according to a religious cleric that doesn’t belong to any specific religion (and even less to the religion of peace, that we are not allowed to name), is an insulting mockery of his prophet, _____________, and as such it is the most horrible crime against humanity that was ever committed. The discussion board, which at this time has 3 members – including one house cat – is hosted by a Bulgarian company, which obviously makes it a cover for Zionist American conspiracy against the good, non-violent, unknown people that this secular religious cleric represents.
The European-American House responded with a firm, decisive press release, saying that president Obama – the single, most awesomest person on the planet, who has invented, among other things, the light-bulb, and aqueducts – appreciates the enthusiasm displayed by such fine young men, which unfortunately cannot vote for him yet, because they haven’t immigrated to the US illegally.
The state department has issued four apologies, and translated them to eighteen languages, asking forgiveness for the audacity of the imperialistic, evil Americans to allow the posting of a silly image in an unknown website, hosted by a company from another country. The apologies, which included an image of a blond, white man, being cut to shreds by two scimitars, were met with a resounding success, causing more than forty additional peaceful protests in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of Asia, and over fifteen hundred deaths.
Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, said she is most pleased with America’s foreign policy, and declared it will now invest 4$ million in ads that beg for mercy from the nice, friendly followers of the one true religion, which we are too scared to even think of. In the name of coexistence, thirty American soldiers will also be executed daily, until the US would have nothing to rely on for defense, except the goodwill of its enemies, and one magical unicorn, which she promised president Obama is summoning this very moment through a dimensional gate.
As for the offensive, immoral, evil website, its servers were nuked, along with the rest of Bulgaria; and the two kids who created it will be castrated, before being sent to a reeducation happy center in Alaska. To send a message to all hate-speech spouting right-wing fascists, their cat will be crucified, burnt at the stake, and its remains shot to the sun.
The editors of all the newspapers that really count have agreed that this is a great victory for Democracy, human rights, free speech, and all those other great ideals, which they do absolutely nothing to defend in the face of tyranny.
Yonatan Bar-Submission, an Israeli ‘Peace Now’ activist, just can’t seem to have enough of the taste of delicious boots worn by Muslim and Arab parties.
The eager peace lover was seen recently in a major protest against various Israeli activities (such as breathing air that Arabs say belong to them, or existing within fifty miles of a mosque), when he is kneeling all the way down to the floor, and ravenously licking the footwear of Islamic fundamentalists, begging to be forgiven for his terrible crimes, and also to be whipped for being a ‘naughty bad boy’.
“We just came here to kill Jews”, says Ahmed bin Mahmoud, an Arab peace activist, while throwing fist-sized rocks at nearby Israeli schoolkids, “and this worm just insists on kissing my sandals, or asking me to kick him in the stomach and call him a ‘worthless slave’. I don’t know about you, but such things make me feel very uneasy.”
Salam Salem Saleikum, a Hamas Imam and recreational suicide bomber, offered an educated explanation for the curious phenomena:
“Countless centuries of constant abuse have created a distorted, warped sort of Jew, who – much like a kidnap victim who identifies with his kidnappers – shows absolute loyalty to whatever party wants to kill his own people. In their case, the incessant, limitless groveling, with false pretenses of enlightenment, is nothing more than a survival tactic. Basically these shameless traitors are so certain of their own people’s defeat, that they immediately ally themselves with any sort of enemy – no matter who he is or what he stands for.”
When asked about the subject, Abu-Slaughter, head of the western implanted Arab government in the ancient Israeli homeland of Judea, had the following to say:
“Personally, I find them quite amusing. It will also be a lot of fun to torture and murder them after we’re done killing all the Israelis who are still willing to put up a fight.”
With Israeli-Arab peace talks going into their next phase in Washington, true, everlasting peace in the middle east has never seemed so close.
Standing up for free speech and truth is a dangerous affair these days, so here’s my small contribution to the fight:
NYC, NY, September 11th, 2010 (ESN): Thousands of people, including Mayor Bloomberg, and other prominent members of city hall, were present at the unveiling ceremony of the new Statue of Liberty, which was built to better represent the cultural diversity of America, following the demands of moderate Islamic clergy members, such as Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the Iron Sheik, and Osama Bin-Laden.
The face of the revised statue is covered with a 30-foot long burqa, its torch of freedom was replaced with an AK-47, and the tablet in its other hand was replaced with a Quran.
But despite a heart-felt speech by Mayor Bloomberg, who repeatedly said that “America is at war with terror, not Islam”, Imam Rauf insisted that the statue will not deter the Ummah from demanding more equality from narrow-minded American bigots.
“Some racists keep saying that we follow the concept of Taqiyya, which allows Muslims to deceive the Kuffar in order to achieve some sort of ‘evil’ goal, but that is entirely untrue – Islam is peace, the burqa is female liberation, and slavery is freedom.”
When asked about the next goals of the ‘obliteration of all infidels initiative’, the Imam smiled a coy, gentle smile, before sharing his thoughts with us:
“We are a simple people. All we want is to change ‘Independance day’ to ‘Public stoning day’, replace the American national anthem with ‘Mohammed my one true love’ – which can only be sung by six-year-old girls, and erect a giant black tower of understanding in the middle of Manhattan, to block out the sun, and bring a thousand years of darkness upon the kuffars.”
Mayor Bloomberg has already pledged to promote the aforementioned initiative, codenamed “project overlord”, and pay for it from his own tax-payer money.
Monday, September 06th, 2010. ESN.
President Barack Obama spoke about the importance of understanding and tolerance in American society this morning, at the cornerstone ceremony of a new peace mosque, which will soon be built on top of the White House.
“America is the greatest country in the world of Allah.” said the president, while baring a perfect row of white teeth at Journalists.
“And it is my honor as the current ‘first Dhimmi’ to show its dedication to freedom, by submitting to the will of a foreign political power.”
Also speaking at the ceremony was Imam Rafik-Al-Achflachashtani, representative of the ‘obliteration of all infidels initiative’ – the organization behind the mosque, which is funded by Wahhabist Saudis, as well as various Islamic charity groups, such as “Feed the poor with automatic weapons”, and “Cut that clitoris” – the pro-life advocates who object to abortions, and female orgasms worldwide.
The Imam referred to the mosque as ‘the tower of conquest’, and said it was a great beginning of mutual understanding for both cultures.
“You insensitive brutes have to learn that Muslims are very insecure people, who can only feel good about themselves by oppressing every other group on the planet.”
He then added, in Arabic, “soon we shall crush you all under our heel, like a sweaty old man deflowering his 12-year-old niece”.
Upon hearing these words, several prominent liberal advisers to president Obama, including Hillary Clinton, have reportedly wept, explaining later that they could only imagine the sort of loving message he expressed in that threatening tone.
When asked whether she would like a translation, Mrs. Clinton replied “Why? I’ve never bothered to listen to what Muslims said before, and I’m certainly not going to start now.”