September 28, 2012. ESN.
Earlier today, a mob of peaceful protesters, numbering 100,000 bearded Asians of unknown origin, has descended upon the American embassy in London, and proceeded to peacefully destroy the place, burn it to the ground, and murder all staff members inside, shouting anti-globalist slogans like “Allahu Ackbar”, supposedly in protest of American involvement in suppressing legitimate national aspirations, such as the illegal conquest of Spain from the ancestors of the above Asian youths, of unknown origin, who have no affiliation with any religion whatsoever – particularly not with the religion of peace, which cannot be named.
The protesters, who reportedly have brought heavy machine guns, rocket launchers, and several light tanks to their peaceful gathering, have debated the American staff members to a bloody pulp, and then paraded their remains in the street, taking pictures on western made iPhones, while chanting calls of no particular political affiliation, such as “Obama Obama, we are all Osama.”
The reason for this recreational activity is without a doubt an image posted to a discussion board called “NoBdy Reedz Dis”, which shows a poorly edited body of a dead frog, with a beard on it. The frog, according to a religious cleric that doesn’t belong to any specific religion (and even less to the religion of peace, that we are not allowed to name), is an insulting mockery of his prophet, _____________, and as such it is the most horrible crime against humanity that was ever committed. The discussion board, which at this time has 3 members – including one house cat – is hosted by a Bulgarian company, which obviously makes it a cover for Zionist American conspiracy against the good, non-violent, unknown people that this secular religious cleric represents.
The European-American House responded with a firm, decisive press release, saying that president Obama – the single, most awesomest person on the planet, who has invented, among other things, the light-bulb, and aqueducts – appreciates the enthusiasm displayed by such fine young men, which unfortunately cannot vote for him yet, because they haven’t immigrated to the US illegally.
The state department has issued four apologies, and translated them to eighteen languages, asking forgiveness for the audacity of the imperialistic, evil Americans to allow the posting of a silly image in an unknown website, hosted by a company from another country. The apologies, which included an image of a blond, white man, being cut to shreds by two scimitars, were met with a resounding success, causing more than forty additional peaceful protests in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of Asia, and over fifteen hundred deaths.
Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, said she is most pleased with America’s foreign policy, and declared it will now invest 4$ million in ads that beg for mercy from the nice, friendly followers of the one true religion, which we are too scared to even think of. In the name of coexistence, thirty American soldiers will also be executed daily, until the US would have nothing to rely on for defense, except the goodwill of its enemies, and one magical unicorn, which she promised president Obama is summoning this very moment through a dimensional gate.
As for the offensive, immoral, evil website, its servers were nuked, along with the rest of Bulgaria; and the two kids who created it will be castrated, before being sent to a reeducation happy center in Alaska. To send a message to all hate-speech spouting right-wing fascists, their cat will be crucified, burnt at the stake, and its remains shot to the sun.
The editors of all the newspapers that really count have agreed that this is a great victory for Democracy, human rights, free speech, and all those other great ideals, which they do absolutely nothing to defend in the face of tyranny.