October 20th, 2012, ESN
Due to the great success of the Town-Hall style presidential debate, the next debate will be done in a truly democratic, intellectual, issue-centric steel cage match.
Barack Obama and Governor Romney will be lowered into the unsafe, Chinese-made construct through cranes, and proceed to slug it out for 90 minutes, until one of them will be declared a victor, in a fair, unbiased fight.
All questions will all be written
for by a bunch of illiterate, entitlement-fed people, and will include such brain stimulating, policy related riddles as, “my cute puppy is sick, how’z are you gonna fix dat?”, and “I don’t feel that you like me, but the other guy obviously does. Why do you hate me?!”
Responses will have to follow Oprah Format, which means points shall be awarded based on how many people in the crowd are caught on camera shedding a private tear, on national television.
To make sure the rules are respected, a non-partisan person, who worked as a Democrat paid community organizer for the past 4 years, and declared she wants nothing more in life than to, “strangle those racist white Republican pigs”, will be given a cattle prod to use on
Governor Romney whomever she may choose.
Moderating the debate is Facebook’s very own Modbot 2.0, which is known for its equal treatment of reports on the famous social site: ignoring those that warn about islamic supremacists, and banning those who stand up to them.
future president magnificent eye-candy super-golfer empty chair defending champion, Barack Obama, expressed his content with this arrangement, and said he is quite sure he could, “whoop Romney’s ass”, without even resorting to the spiked mace Joe “Malarkey” Biden will sneak him at 57:43, while the moderators look the other way, and pretend to be focusing at Ann Romney, as she tries to attract their attention to the deeds of the eloquent Vice President.
Ultra-awesome, maverick past moderator, Lardny Crowhat, said she is confident that following this equal-opportunity match, the idiot unwashed masses, that need to be taught by their pseudo-journalistic superiors, will finally understand the meaning of free elections, and vote for the same guy she does.
September 28, 2012. ESN.
Earlier today, a mob of peaceful protesters, numbering 100,000 bearded Asians of unknown origin, has descended upon the American embassy in London, and proceeded to peacefully destroy the place, burn it to the ground, and murder all staff members inside, shouting anti-globalist slogans like “Allahu Ackbar”, supposedly in protest of American involvement in suppressing legitimate national aspirations, such as the illegal conquest of Spain from the ancestors of the above Asian youths, of unknown origin, who have no affiliation with any religion whatsoever – particularly not with the religion of peace, which cannot be named.
The protesters, who reportedly have brought heavy machine guns, rocket launchers, and several light tanks to their peaceful gathering, have debated the American staff members to a bloody pulp, and then paraded their remains in the street, taking pictures on western made iPhones, while chanting calls of no particular political affiliation, such as “Obama Obama, we are all Osama.”
The reason for this recreational activity is without a doubt an image posted to a discussion board called “NoBdy Reedz Dis”, which shows a poorly edited body of a dead frog, with a beard on it. The frog, according to a religious cleric that doesn’t belong to any specific religion (and even less to the religion of peace, that we are not allowed to name), is an insulting mockery of his prophet, _____________, and as such it is the most horrible crime against humanity that was ever committed. The discussion board, which at this time has 3 members – including one house cat – is hosted by a Bulgarian company, which obviously makes it a cover for Zionist American conspiracy against the good, non-violent, unknown people that this secular religious cleric represents.
The European-American House responded with a firm, decisive press release, saying that president Obama – the single, most awesomest person on the planet, who has invented, among other things, the light-bulb, and aqueducts – appreciates the enthusiasm displayed by such fine young men, which unfortunately cannot vote for him yet, because they haven’t immigrated to the US illegally.
The state department has issued four apologies, and translated them to eighteen languages, asking forgiveness for the audacity of the imperialistic, evil Americans to allow the posting of a silly image in an unknown website, hosted by a company from another country. The apologies, which included an image of a blond, white man, being cut to shreds by two scimitars, were met with a resounding success, causing more than forty additional peaceful protests in the Middle East, North Africa, and parts of Asia, and over fifteen hundred deaths.
Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, said she is most pleased with America’s foreign policy, and declared it will now invest 4$ million in ads that beg for mercy from the nice, friendly followers of the one true religion, which we are too scared to even think of. In the name of coexistence, thirty American soldiers will also be executed daily, until the US would have nothing to rely on for defense, except the goodwill of its enemies, and one magical unicorn, which she promised president Obama is summoning this very moment through a dimensional gate.
As for the offensive, immoral, evil website, its servers were nuked, along with the rest of Bulgaria; and the two kids who created it will be castrated, before being sent to a reeducation happy center in Alaska. To send a message to all hate-speech spouting right-wing fascists, their cat will be crucified, burnt at the stake, and its remains shot to the sun.
The editors of all the newspapers that really count have agreed that this is a great victory for Democracy, human rights, free speech, and all those other great ideals, which they do absolutely nothing to defend in the face of tyranny.
“Them mothaf***ing crackers been riding into our turf like dey own da place”, one young lad explained eloquently, while waving his arms in the air like he just don’t care.
“I mean, how’s an honest brother is supposed to be making out a living for himself selling smack when da man is poking around, asking for directions like a narc? So we popped a cap in hizass, and two in his ho, for all the screams she den put up. My granny is sick, coz I been borrowing all ‘er medicine, so all yous inconsiderate whitebreads better keep ya mouth closed, and let her rest.”
The peaceful locals tolerated the lost couple with over 100 bullets of friendship; then sold the remains of their car to a local community entrepreneur: an auto-parts shop called the Cracker Cracker, which carried a lighthearted graffiti of a white man cut in half by a giant nutcracker to convey its message of cultural diversity.
President Obama has already issued a statement, calling the incident “the finest display of multicultural understanding, from the best of our nation’s youth”, and invited four prominent tolerance practitioners: Coke Dawg, Cherry Popper, Bust-a-nut, and G-Dope, for a formal visit in the European-American House.
“We’s all are very excited about this invite,” says Cherry Popper, while wiping white flour from his nose, “I heard the persident has a lot of rich-ass shizzle in that big ‘o house of his.”
Unfortunately, at this point in time, the well-meaning young lads are yet to be able to locate Washington DC on a map.
Monday, September 06th, 2010. ESN.
President Barack Obama spoke about the importance of understanding and tolerance in American society this morning, at the cornerstone ceremony of a new peace mosque, which will soon be built on top of the White House.
“America is the greatest country in the world of Allah.” said the president, while baring a perfect row of white teeth at Journalists.
“And it is my honor as the current ‘first Dhimmi’ to show its dedication to freedom, by submitting to the will of a foreign political power.”
Also speaking at the ceremony was Imam Rafik-Al-Achflachashtani, representative of the ‘obliteration of all infidels initiative’ – the organization behind the mosque, which is funded by Wahhabist Saudis, as well as various Islamic charity groups, such as “Feed the poor with automatic weapons”, and “Cut that clitoris” – the pro-life advocates who object to abortions, and female orgasms worldwide.
The Imam referred to the mosque as ‘the tower of conquest’, and said it was a great beginning of mutual understanding for both cultures.
“You insensitive brutes have to learn that Muslims are very insecure people, who can only feel good about themselves by oppressing every other group on the planet.”
He then added, in Arabic, “soon we shall crush you all under our heel, like a sweaty old man deflowering his 12-year-old niece”.
Upon hearing these words, several prominent liberal advisers to president Obama, including Hillary Clinton, have reportedly wept, explaining later that they could only imagine the sort of loving message he expressed in that threatening tone.
When asked whether she would like a translation, Mrs. Clinton replied “Why? I’ve never bothered to listen to what Muslims said before, and I’m certainly not going to start now.”