Posts Tagged ‘Oprah’

No Thought Zone calls drivers to stop thinking while driving

No Thought Zone LogoWashington, D.C (ESN): the new driving safety campaign, sponsored by celebrity goddess, and empress of plain, generic women all over the world, Oprah Winfrey, aims to reduce the amount of traffic accidents caused by anyone using their brain while in a car.

“I personally know of many who have lost loved ones due to people who were too busy formulating a complex idea, or trying to better understand an abstract notion, instead of keeping their eyes on the road”, says Oprah, “It is time we put a stop to that criminal activity once and for all, and ‘No Thought Zone’ is the only reasonable way to do it – because I say so.”

Women rights advocate, Sheryl Whatsuitsmebest, agrees:
“Everybody knows thinking is not good for the forehead skin, and that excessive use of the brain can cause a woman to stop doing normal, healthy things, such as buying twelve pairs of shoes, or read every issue of Cosmopolitan.”
Looking down on the magazine on her desk, she continues “hey, would you look at that? there’s a woman here who likes giving BJs inside cupboards – what a slut! hmm… perhaps I should try that?”

The campaign calls for using whatever means necessary to impose Oprah’s idea, from embarrassing famous people to sign denigrating pledges, to burning down anyone with a semblance of an active mind inside their home as a safety precaution. So far, it seems to be a resounding success, with drivers making sure they are seen gawking stupidly at whatever is directly in front of their eyes, so as not to be suspected of pondering.

But other, more conservative (tam-tam-tam) voices have expressed their dislike of the new program, like Dr. Howard Secrethandwriting, who says Oprah’s gross simplifications are dumbing down the nation:
“Every patient of mine who is a rabid Oprah viewer tends to have very little capacity for independant thought. When I ask them to describe their symptoms, for example, they want me to do it for them.
Not every moment spent on the road is a life-or-death situation. There is nothing wrong with letting one’s mind wander when driving reasonably fast on a freeway, or writing a text message while waiting for a red light to change. Back in the day we called it ‘common sense’, or ‘using your brain’ – exactly what this campaign is standing against.”

Oprah has already vowed to take Dr. Howard to court over his different views, and make sure he is found guilty by running a demonizing campaign about him on her show.

Since she is also sort of like Oprah, we looked for Michelle Obama to comment on the issue, and got a quick response: “If I even suspect my sixty-foot-long limo’s driver of having a private thought, you can be sure he’ll immediately get a text message from my golden iPhone, telling him to stop.”

Categories: ESN, Satire