Posts Tagged ‘social networks’

The Future of Social Networks

BloodSplat (TM) LogoSilicone Valley, CA (ESN): Propagation of the hottest new online trend, BloodSplat™, has now reached Facebookian proportions.

according to Alexis, the international web traffic monitoring company, the amount of unique visits to has multiplied in volume at least fifty times these past two weeks, transforming it from yet another peculiar college student project, to a worldwide phenomena that has more regular users than some religions – even Obamislam!

But what exactly is BloodSplat™? Our in-house internet specialist, Ron Singlebraincell, describes it as the next evolutionary step in social networking; the Facebook killing holy grail that everyone from Toronto to Timbuktu has been desperately searching for (except, of course, in actual Timbuktu, which was enveloped by the Sahara desert due to the neglect of its own inhabitants). In his own words, “Whereas other social networks provided people with the option to watch the benign, mundane chatter of acquaintances via short, telegraph style messages, or status text updates, or browse their generic, repetitive pictures, like ‘dude #2542382 shouts at camera while holding plastic cup with beer’, or ‘blonde girl #7231251 exposes rows of shiny teeth, while dancing in a club along with her equally cleavage-baring friends’, what these sites really needed was a cohesive activity around which to rope around their ridiculously gargantuan user-base.”

That missing activity, apparently, was BloodSplat’s patented skullcracking competition.

BloodSplat™ CEO and originator, Steve Cashinmypocketsnow, explains the idea behind the concept:
“Not only did we give people a good excuse to slam their heads against hard surfaces, up to the point of gushing blood, and cracking their skulls – now they can finally share pictures of the hideous resulting injuries with a bunch of superficial friends, while competing for top positions based on city, state, and country.”
But Steve says there’s more to than just an unstoppable gimmick with monstrous popularity.
“Everybody knows Facebook has a confusing, unintuitive, almost impenetrable user interface, so we took that already proven idea to the next level with RandomUI™. Every time you load a BloodSplat™ page the essential navigation buttons will appear in different positions – sometimes entirely off the screen, and their labels will use obscure Jazz songs lyrics, so you can never know whether ‘logout’ is now ‘The darkest night of November’, or ‘Poppa’s golden knickers gone broke’.”
When asked about plans for the future, Steve had the following to say:
“We’re always looking for options to expand upon the functionality of BloodSplat™, which is why we’re now working hard on Blood-ons – our so-called ‘app equivalents’. User reaction to the ‘Fortune Bleeder’ Blood-on, which predicts your future based on the shapes in your blood-splatter pictures, and ‘Celebriblood look-alike’, in which a scanned 3-D picture of your deformed skull is compared to that of famous celebrities, has been overwhelmingly positive so far.”

But don’t take just his word on it. Here are some of the responses we got from random people on the street:
“Ohmygod, everybody in school is doing B-S, so, like, you know, why not. I want to have friends, and stuff.”
“Office work is so boring that I’ve spent most of my time banging my head against stuff anyways. At least now I get some recognition for it.”
“My mom says it’s the best fun she had in her whole life, even if she’s just a level 23 noob.”
“Ever since my girlfriend got Angelina Jolie as a result in Celebriblood, she won’t shut up about it. Fortunately, I’m too busy using BloodSplat™ to pay any attention to her.”
“Durr, this is way better than da playing station.”

But the opposition isn’t simply taking all this lying down. Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg referred to the new challenger as a ‘juvenile, privacy invading, total waste of time’.
“I don’t see how anyone can compare banging your head against hard surfaces to the intellectual delights of Farmville, and ‘July is now friends with 758 random guys who liked her new push-up bra’.”
While Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo sent us the following message:
“#BloodSplat™ – an insult to #social_networking, won’t ever catch me using it.”

Despite their vivid protests, it doesn’t seem like this train is going to stop anytime soon, and judging by our children’s obsession with it, it may very well be the bloody, bruised-covered face of the new generation.

(Join the ESN group on, to discuss how much you love it with total strangers, vote ‘bloody like’ on this article, and share it with all those loose connections you added as friends! don’t forget to upload a video or a picture of yourself smashing your head against the wall – the goriest submission may win a free trip to the local hospital)

Categories: ESN, Satire